Being in a Rut

Being in a Rut

I have been in a rut for the last year. Until recently, I’ve had very little motivation. My hip hurts all the time, and I know that a full hip replacement is coming sooner than later. My business is busier than ever. Thank God for that, I am definitely not complaining.

I’m simply struggling to train for health alone. I’ve spent my life competing. Therefore I’ve always had a competition as my goal. I started competing when I was twelve years old. I stopped competing when I was 43-years-old. That’s 31-years of having a competition to shoot for, but now that’s probably over. I say probably because there is still a part of me that wants to compete.

Why is that? Why do I want to compete at 45-years-old? I’ve won world championships and broken world records in powerlifting. I’ve played football at the D1 level. I had a short stay at the Olympic training center when I was competing in weightlifting. What more is there to prove?

The truth is that I really don’t know. It’s just a part of me that I love. I love training my butt off for a meet with the anticipation of peaking perfectly and being unbeatable. That feeling gets my goat man. However, something recently happened that really sparked something in me.

For all of you that don’t know, Emily Drew and I are having a baby girl. Yes, of course I am excited to have a daddy’s little girl, but there is something more. I have two boys that absolutely carry my heart wherever they go, but there is someone else that I don’t talk enough about.

I have an amazing daughter, Bailey Alexandra that didn’t get the best of me like by boys are receiving. As a matter of fact, there were a couple of years that I was not around like I should have been. It was during a very low point of my life both financially and personally. I had nothing to give her, and truthfully I was embarrassed. That doesn’t make it all right. That was weak of me, and it’s something that I will never forgive myself.

During that time, I became a believer, and I got my life back on track with the help of God. Now we see each other every year periodically. This led to my relationship with Undisputed Strength and Conditioning in Eagan, MN. Thanks to Vinh, the owner, I formed a relationship that involved me visiting the facility periodically each year. This allowed me to see Bailey more and more. You see I was in North Carolina, and she was with her mother in Minnesota.

I’d love to say that our relationship is totally perfect today, but that would be a lie. I will probably spend my entire life making up for that mistake. My all happened around 2006 and part of 2007. It has been over ten years, but it will take the rest of my life to mend that relationship.

So what caused this behavior? That’s easy, I was a selfish man. All that I thought about was myself. Yes I was broke and destitute, but it was my pride that kept me from giving my daughter the attention that she deserved. I didn’t want her to see her daddy in this shape. Heck she was just a little girl. She didn’t care about what I could give her except for my time.

I know that now. This is a lesson that I had to learn. It’s a lesson that I believe God taught me, and it’s one that I will never forget. This new little girl is a chance for me to treat a daughter the way that she deserves. It won’t make up for the way that I treated Bailey, but I can make sure that it never happens again.

I have learned so much since that terrible period of my life. In a world filled with people telling you to ‘love yourself’, I have found something else to be much more effective. You see, I never had any trouble loving myself. I struggled with loving others .I’m not talking about some superficial butterfly in the belly love. I’m talking about the actions of someone to put somebody else’s wellbeing before their own.

I have never been more joyful in my life than right now. I have a family that my world revolves around. I have a wife that absolutely blows me away. I would happily sacrifice anything for any of my family members. The same goes for my team and my friends. One of my goals as a coach is to never allow my athletes to travel down that road of believing selfishness is required for greatness. If so, greatness will never amount to much.

All of this brings me to my point of getting out of this rut. When I was told that we were having a little girl, I knew right then and there that I needed to get in shape for this girl to have the kind of dad that she deserves. I’m not talking about 700 pound squats. I’m talking about a health dad that can play with her in the floor whenever she wants.

The same goes for all of my children. I’m an older dad, and I know that. I am 45-years-old, so I have my work cut out for me. I have a bad hip to contend with, but we are taking steps towards mending that. Nutrition will be the focus along with cardio and movement. Don’t worry, I am going to stay strong. I’ve got that part down. It’s just not the priority.

As far as Bailey goes, well that’s a work in process. I love that little girl more than she will ever know. She’s not so little anymore, as she’s now in college and 18-years-old. I can’t believe that. We just had a great visit, but we still don’t talk like I wish we would. I will never quit trying to improve as her father as well. It’s a bit harder with her being in Minnesota, but every time that I talk to her or see her, I know that it’s so worth it.

There’s a part of me that is afraid of posting this blog. Yeah I am not perfect not even close. I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger. However, it’s mistakes that we all learn from and become better versions of ourselves. It’s from the low points of life that we are brought to our knees in front of a thankfully merciful God. It’s bad times like I described that allow me to love my family, team, and friends now. I figure that all of you deserve to know the truth about me both the good and the bad. Now you know that I am an imperfect human just like everyone else. These imperfections and struggles in life are what make us who we are as much or even more than the good times.

It’s imperfections along with our unique qualities that make us each a beautiful individual.